ME

A Place to Belong

(Originally Penned October 2016)

A day or so ago I expressed to a friend that I was feeling insecure about my friendships changing again with the 2nd pregnancy because not many in my circle have kids, let alone two.

Last night I went to a gathering because I wanted/needed to be social. And I didn't fit in 1) I was exhausted, and 2) I had the kidlet with me so needed to check periodically on her. Between my frequent bathroom breaks, inability to sip wine and absence of voice I felt thoroughly out of place in a setting in which I once would have thrived. 

Then today I went to see my two best girlfriends and didn't fit there either. They're both enjoying a carefree lifestyle without the responsibility of kids. Because I had mine with me I had to cut my end of the hangout short in exchange for bedtimeroutine. Our conversations were censored and often interrupted. It felt forced.

Just yesterday I read a brilliantly penned article by a mom of two on her conclusion that being just a mom right now is enough. And I loved her truth and identified with her transparency. But if I'm honest with myself I have to say that it's not enough. It doesn't match who I am and what I need right now. It doesn't feel good. If it's this hard before number 2 arrives, I'm terrified of the after effects.

I've found temporary solace in the musings and occasional interactions with other parents in the world of social media. But bc it's not tangible, it doesn't seem real. 

So today I'm admittedly a wanderer and that's okay for now. I will stumble upon belonging if I just keep walking.

A Few Thoughts on Leaving a Legacy

I think about death. Not in a scary way but in a “what’s on the other side” way. Yes, I believe I’ll go to heaven but what will be left of me here on Earth. Will I leave a mark? Will it be known that I was here? That’s what I think about.

I’ve had the honor of helping to write the last words about some loved ones over the last few years. I’ll admit, it was HARD. I questioned whether I was writing the right thing. Did I capture the essence of who they were and the work that they did adequately? And the truth of the matter is that it would have been so much easier if they’d told me what to say. J

So many times we as women walk around as representatives of ourselves. We morph into various roles so much so that when the real us shows up, she’s foreign. And I wonder about the mark our representative is leaving. There’s been a lot of talk and thought around me about legacy. But the true question is, are we creating our own legacy or is someone else creating it for us. Here are 5 things to think about as you consider your legacy track:

1.       When people encounter me, is it really me or a representative?

2.       Is what I’m doing helpful to someone else? Or, my greatest contribution to humanity thus far has been?

3.       If I leave this earth today am I certain that I have tapped and emptied my talent veins? I have done my best with everything I have been given?

4.       Complete the phrase: When people think of me, I hope they remember…

5.       Fill in the blank: The person(s) that live with me will say _____ about me.

 

I am here and full. Full of life, gifts, talents and treasures. I’ve been selfish – bending under the guise of being overwhelmed. But I mustn’t break and fail to produce. I am compelled, no obligated to explore the bounds of my creative output. I want to be empty – totally poured out. Sharing and giving – leaving a mark of meaning on all that I encounter.